I submitted a letter to the Editor that did not get published. It was just after we had invaded Iraq, and I thought it was funny and hoped that it made a point or two. Here it is.
February 4, 1991
Editor
Nashville Tennessean
1100 Broadway
Nashville, TN
I've come up with the ultimate in biological weapons for use against the outlaw nation of Iraq! These weapons will so frustrate the Iraqis so that their plans to perpetuate mayhem will be thwarted.
Let me get right to the point: We should use saturation bombing of the Tigris and Euphrates river valleys using Kudzu bombs: Little pieces of Kudzu vine packed around half-gallon jugs of home brew. The home brew would get warm as it falls, explode and spread Kudzu sprouts all along the river banks. Then we use our large tanker-sprayers, once used for Agent Orange, to spray Miracle Grow on the sprouting Kudzu. Can you just see all that Kudzu spreading out from the river banks to completely engulf the countryside, the roadways, the oil wells, even penetrating Saddam's Hunker-Bunker?
Then we could drop Water Hyacinth in the headwaters of the rivers. Pretty soon it would completely cover the rivers' surface. Just to make sure that water traffic would be completely stifled we could drop Milfoil along with the Water Hyacinth! The Milfoil would attach itself to the bottom and shoreline and would hold the Hyacinth in place. Pretty soon, what with all these water plants and Kudzu taking over the land and water, nothing would move anywhere; especially if we keep on spraying Miracle Grow!
Finally, —I realize that this may be going entirely too far— we could trap about ten million Starlings and release them in the Kudzu! There are no thickets for their roosts, so they'd have to inhabit the Kudzu. What a sight! What a racket! What a mess!
Well, on second thought perhaps we'd better stick to bombs and shells and stuff. Iraq would just surrender one day, and the United Nations would have us over there trying to clean up the mess. We all know that is impossible.
Lewis Butler
Note to blog readers: The plants and animals mentioned are all exotic imports here in the USA. They are ongoing problems.
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